December 9, 2018

Gamut Of Emotion

I feel a bunch of different emotions at the moment, most of them not positive emotions and I'm not sure how to handle them. Baby's due date has come and gone and my body doesn't seem to be showing any signs that I am going to go into labor naturally. If you have read about how long and unpleasant labor was with Bubba, then you understand why I don't want to be induced and want this baby to come on its own. A date for induction has been set and I'm really hoping this baby decides to come before then.

I have tried a lot of things this time around to go in to labor but so far nothing has done the trick. I have had several chiropractic adjustments done to my feet, I had a pedicure where they really massaged my legs and feet, I even went in for acupuncture-- that was incredibly painful and something I will never do again! And I went on a tractor ride. Next on the agenda is having my membranes stripped, pending my body is in a position to do that. I think for now though, the best thing to do is trust that this baby will come when the Lord feels like its time.

I feel incredibly exhausted, the longer this pregnancy goes on the more tired I feel. Sleep has been an elusive thing for the past several weeks. I have to sleep sitting up because of the nausea and heartburn and I just don't feel rested.

I have learned from experience that when I don't get good sleep, I feel depressed so there is some of that going on right now too. Earlier today I just wanted to curl up and cry for no reason at all.

And then enter the feelings of inadequacy and fear. Am I going to be able to give birth to this baby naturally? Am I really cut out to be a mom of two? How will my son react to having to share "his Mommy?" And what about those family members who just a few weeks ago decided that not respecting our boundaries is more important than having a relationship with us, will their hearts be softened? Will they decide at some point that they want to be a part of this new little babe's life? Time will tell I guess.

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