January 13, 2019

Bear At 1 Month

It is hard to believe that you joined our family a month ago. The days are long and the nights are short. The past month has been sort of a blur. Between the sleep deprivation and Postpartum Depression, I guess you could say the past month has been an adventure.

You have grown so much in the past month Bear. You went from 8 pounds and 13 ounces to over 10 pounds. Your a pretty chill baby unless you have a burp or a dirty diaper. You are just like your big brother was at this age. As soon as you poop or pee your diaper you want it changed. We go through about 15 diapers a day with you at the moment.

Sleep at night has been hit and miss. Some nights you go down for bed early and other nights you go down later. The longest stretch of sleep you've had is 6 1/2 hours. The kicker though is when you wake up and insist on being up for two hours in the middle of the night, those are the nights we dread.

You love laying on your changing pad and looking up at the ceiling fan and kicking your legs. I love it when you smile and Daddy loves the horse noises you make. And your big brother, he loves to help change your diaper. Every time you cry out he says, "Baby!" and comes running to your aid.

We are so glad you are a part of our little family, Bear! We look forward to watching you learn and grow. We can't wait to start taking you on adventures with us!

Baby Shower

My friend Peyton was super kind and threw me/Bear a baby shower. I'm so grateful to Peyton for throwing us a shower! You don't realize how much stuff you need for a baby until you have one, in this case another baby. Diapers and wipes are always in demand.

I feel so much love for each of the women who came to the shower. Thank you for showering us with love!

January 2, 2019

Postpartum Depression

Just writing the title of this post has brought me to tears. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have Postpartum Depression. I was officially diagnosed with PD on Monday December 31st.

Admitting that I have a problem and need help has been humbling, humiliating and embarrassing. Every time I think about it or tell someone I have PD the tears just flow. I think it is safe to say I am ashamed by my struggle. I have never dealt with something like this before and it has been difficult to navigate what is now my everyday reality.

The symptoms weren't very noticeable at first, but they came on really strong towards the end of last week. Andy left to go back to work for the first time and I had three rounds of tears in the first hour. Then came the feelings of guilt for not being able to function and do the things I am used to doing. Then came guilt for other things I felt I wasn't doing good enough. I started being really hard on myself. My appetite has all but disappeared. And I am having a really hard time sleeping, I feel like an insomniac. When I found myself sobbing for no reason at all I knew it wasn't good.

I reached out to my friends, neighbors, doctors and church community for help. Each day is a struggle, but I know that things will get better.