January 2, 2019

Postpartum Depression

Just writing the title of this post has brought me to tears. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have Postpartum Depression. I was officially diagnosed with PD on Monday December 31st.

Admitting that I have a problem and need help has been humbling, humiliating and embarrassing. Every time I think about it or tell someone I have PD the tears just flow. I think it is safe to say I am ashamed by my struggle. I have never dealt with something like this before and it has been difficult to navigate what is now my everyday reality.

The symptoms weren't very noticeable at first, but they came on really strong towards the end of last week. Andy left to go back to work for the first time and I had three rounds of tears in the first hour. Then came the feelings of guilt for not being able to function and do the things I am used to doing. Then came guilt for other things I felt I wasn't doing good enough. I started being really hard on myself. My appetite has all but disappeared. And I am having a really hard time sleeping, I feel like an insomniac. When I found myself sobbing for no reason at all I knew it wasn't good.

I reached out to my friends, neighbors, doctors and church community for help. Each day is a struggle, but I know that things will get better.